Thank You for Calling
by Ponderie
Summary: Out of all the horrible reasons someone would call an artificial food helpline, a wrong number should be the easiest to resolve.


The cramped communications capsule throbbed with the light of its screens. Waves of heat bounced through the shoddy work environment. The worker forced her smile to widen. She ignored the stickiness of her back sweat as it fused itself to the chair.

"Thank you for calling Mooge's Pie Substitute Help Line. This is Eka. How can I make your artificial food journey less horrible?"

"Where does the food go?" The customer asked, blinking one eye after the other.

"Our pie substitutes can be stored in a wide variety of locations, including, but not limited to, boxes."

"I do not want to store it!" The costumer banged her fist against the screen. "Where does the eat food go?"

Eka paused. "Are you… I am sorry ma'am, are you asking me how to eat?"

"It is not hard. Which tube. Do I insert the food. When making eats?"

"The… food tube?"

The customer let out an exaggerated sigh. "Thank. You."

"And thank you for calling Mooge's Pie-"

The screen went dark. Eka let her head fall against the cold, unfeeling metal of the console, screaming. The call alarm blared. She popped back up with her smile in place.

"Thank you for calling Mooge's Pie Substitute Help Line. This is Eka. How can I make-"

"WHO ARE YOU?! WHERE ARE MY TALLEST! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY TALLEST?!"

Eka groaned through her grimace. "I am so sorry sir, as I told you the past five times you've called this hour alone, this is the number for Mooge's Pie Subs-"

"DO NOT LIE TO ZIM!" The little Irken demanded.

Eka rubbed her forehead spines, trying to keep the smile in place. "I'm not-"

"LIES"

"Sir, I understand you are frustrated if you would please calm down-"

"WHERE ARE MY TALLEST!?"

Eka realized then she wasn't so much as smiling as grinding her teeth. She spoke to untold numbers of dreadful people in her time as an official representative of Mooge's Pie Substitutes.

Few were as ear-curdling terrible as the Irken whom she was professionally and physically prohibited from hanging up on.

"Alright, sir, I am going to see if I can get you the number for the massive-"

"YOU WILL NOT KEEP ME FROM SPEAKING TO MY TALLEST!"

Eka's eye twitched. "I just said I was going-

"I wanna pet that porcupine!" A sing-song voice came over the transmission. A small, broken in some way, robot stood. His tongue sticking out.

"GIR! I'm in the middle of a call," Zim said, his tone dropping a few hundred decibels.

This seemed to cause unparalleled amusement to the robot, who giggled like an overcharged hyper-donkey.

Eka, sensing she was unneeded for the moment, snuck a quick sip out of her bottle of liquid pie substitute. (New water flavor, wherever pie substitutes were sold). She started searching for the Massive's number in the system. It would have been easier to check elsewhere, but that would violate policy and unspeakable pain would follow.

Zim crossed his arms. "Do you remember what I told you about interrupting my transmissions?"

GIR's laughter stopped. "Meh." He squeaked.

"What? NO! I did not say Meh!" Zim scowled. "I warned you GIR. No piggies for you."

GIR stared up at Zim, tears welling up. He ran off, bawling in one continuous scream.

"Sorry about that," Zim said, straightening his coat… dress…. thing... "Crazy robots… what are you going to do?"

"Oh, it's no trouble at all, sir," Eka said, smile back in place. "We all know what crazy robots are like."

"Well, they keep life interesting."

"They sure do."

"Yep."

A long, almost affable silence stretched out. Eka was starting to wonder if she should say something. Talking to Zim seemed like shaking a sleeping baby makaob. There was a slim chance nothing would happen, but the odds were screaming would follow.

He blinking, scratched himself then continued staring.

Eka gathered up her courage. "Is there anything I can do for you, sir?"

"What? Oh, yeah. TELL ME WHERE MY TALLEST ARE OR FACE THE WRATH OF ZIM."

Eka's shoulders relaxed. She had managed to pull up an order form the Massive had filed for a year's worth of pie substitutes. Giving the information away would technically be a breach of customer confidentiality….

"Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!"

And assisting the Irkens with their twisted invasion plan was about as ethical as selling the yackbur flavor pie substitute as an edible substance….

"Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!"

On the other hand, she really, REALLY wanted Zim to shut up.

"Sir, I have the number for the Massive right here." She sent the number over, hoping desperately that he would hang up.

"Hey! This isn't the number I called at all!" Zim glared at Eka. "This was all a trick, wasn't it?"

"No, sir, that isn't-"

"You're just a filthy phone slave!" Zim shot out of his seat. "You don't know the Tallest at all, do you!?"

"I tried to tell you-"

"DO YOU!? ANSWER ZIM!"

"No! No, I don't." Eka squeezed her bottle.

"DO YOU!?"

Eka sighed. "Will, that be all today, sir?" Say yes. Say yes. Say yes.

"Huh? Yeah. Sure." Zim paused. "You can go."

Ah, there was a beautiful sound. Eka's smile was back. "In that case thank you for calling Mooge's Pie-"

"I SAID GO!" Zim deactivated the screen and black flooded the capsule. A second strangled scream also flooded the capsule.

No one ever stuck around for her closing speech. She didn't even get to plug the latest line of water-flavored liquid pie substitutes. And she hated not being able to plug her water-flavored liquid pie substitutes.

She lifted her own bottle and took another swig of the unsavory thick liquid. She breathed deeply until the longing for the sweet embrace of her demise faded. She slumped back in her chair.

The new call alarm blared. She popped up with an ever-widening smile.

"Thank you for calling Mooge's Pie Substitute Help Line. This is Eka, how can I make your artificial food journey less horrible?"


End file.
